i really don't think anyone can realize exactly how much thought i put into anything... especially not you... i never have anything to say in fear of saying the wrong thing and losing you completely my dearest... you've pushed me away before, and it almost broke into a billion fragments of the worlds imagination... i don't understand how you can't see that i've almost fooled myself into blindly thinking that i might one day get you back... i know i never will because i no longer have the ability to trust myself to say anything worthy of a conversation in fear it might make you retreat farther away from me... i've tried discreet ways of telling you i still love you... i fear you've either noticed none or they have caused you latest burst of reminding me there isn't any relationship left to rekindle between us... there never was and never will be basically... however my love, i can't help but to think differently, but maybe that's my hopeless romanticism kicking in to think that maybe one day it'll all be right and you'll see how much you could love me... sorry i can't help but to love you... i considered someone new, but when that feel threw, i was forced to stop and think on it... i'm sure i didn't like him for him... over all, he reminded me a lot of you... same general hair color and description of it, some of the same mannerisms, he even played the same instrument, hell the kid knew you... i really wanted to like him, but i couldn't really draw the line in my head where you stopped and he started i guess... in a way, i guess you can say i used him, and i really hope that he can forgive me for using him like i did... after a while, i tried to find someone new again... i went for the totaly opposite kind of guy... opposite hair color and description, opposite ideals, completely opposite mannerisms, and the kid probably wouldn't have had the slightest clue who you were even if i pointed you out to him... that didn't work for me either... he bored me faster then i thought possible... he was completely predictable, and there was nothing that i could question about his intentions... so i'm stuck here unable to locate someone to distract me from you or help me get over you... i tried replacing you, and it failed... i tried going for your direct opposite, and it failed... leaving my mind to think only you can hold my attention and affections, which oddly enough you seam to detest doing either... i really can't help but loving you... i've tried to hate you, even when i had reason to, i couldn't... i'll never stop loving you either, i may settle for someone else in the end, but i'll never be their's completely in the end...

So there are those things in life that just annoy the hell out of me... Like:

STUPID PEOPLE

Even worse, STUPID PEOPLE WHO THINK IT'S OK TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE BELIEVE THE SAME THINGS THEY DO!!! 

YOU JUST NEED TO BACK THE FUCK UP!!! I HAVE MY OWN FUCKING BRIAN AND UNLIKE YOU, I'M GONNA STOP AND USE IT BEFORE I LET ANYONE TELL ME WHAT'S WHAT!!!

Ok, so maybe I don't believe in any "god" per say anymore... I tried to, really I did, but "god" just doesn't appeal since I have 5 jobs and go to school "full time" according to the college... Sorry, I can't believe in "someone" who's sopposed to help everyone get threw hard times when I've gotten no help from anyone with anything... Sorry, doesn't work that way for me...

REALIGION WAS JUST A WAY TO GET PEOPLE TO DO WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTED THEM TO DO!!! LEAVE ME THE HELL OUT OF IT!!!

the unknown makes me unsure
the known makes me annoyed
the missing leaves me longing
and the longing leaves me unfunctionable

when i can't function, i can't accomplish
when i can't accomplish, i fail
when i fail i fall back into my habit
when i'm in my habit i fall into a false reality

my false reality consist of dreams
that are never true and un retainable
but my habit takes me to a place
where it's ok to give into my pleasures

i took a little break from my habit
just to create a new one
now here i stand in the limbo
not knowing where to turn

unsure and uncurtain 
like most in any limbo
i wish life was on hold
i wish i had used self control 

© October 18, 2007 
By Jessica Montgomery

What will I do?

By Jessica Montgomery
© October 3, 2007

I can't make myself choose.
Do I want the Old or the New?
The Old has changed into something new,
but the New is an uncharted adventure.
What's my heart's desire?
The ever present Old,
or the challenged offerd by the New?
Both are also challenged by something completely Different.
and Different is challenged by Boredom.

So Old, New, Different, and Boredom,
what ever shall I do?
Four times the attention I'm being giving,
Yet none seam to make me content.
I'm still here wondering in the limbo.

Making Old jealous by flanting New on a string in frount of him.
Old knows of New, but New knows nothing of Old.
I want to tell New, and just get it all out there,
but how do you describe such a tangled past?

Old, dear god, how I've loved you.
New, you've made me see I can learn to love someone new.
Different, you are just that, differnt from what I know.
and Boredom, I'm flat out not interested.

What will I do.

At first I was in a state of distress... What am I gonna do? Do I stay with what I've always had in you, or do I go on to a new guy and enjoy a close to normal of a relationship that I'll ever be able to have? I was fighting with myself, I don't want to leave you, but he's just taking me by compleate surprise, that I can't just pass it up... I've loved you unconditionally for so long and got nothing in return for it.... Now he's here paying attention to every little detail to everything, so interested in what I'm doing and what I'm thinking that I'm just not sure I'd be able to go back to you even if you did make up your mind and want a real relationship with me... Yeah, I talk to you, but there's always a hidden message or hidden intention... With him, it's not like that, if it's said it's ment... Maybe I'm just jumping off a cliff and thinking he likes me because it's been so long since I've taken the time to even consider someone besides you... I care about you so much and I'm gonna be worried sick about you if things work out for me with him, but I want more then what you're willing to give me... I'll miss you, but if he offers, I'm gone... If things don't work out with him, and it's just my lack of understandig how real relationships work, then I hope it will at least make you relize what you want... I can't stay with you when you make me feel like I'm not worthy of a relationship... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but I can't do that anymore... I have some really strong feelings for him, and he does the simplest things that for some reason just melt my heart... He makes me smile, he even took time to cheer up my friend when she was upset instead of just leaving when she was upset... He makes me compleatly happy... I'm not saying that I wasn't happy with you, I'm just saying things didn't have to get physical for him to make me happy... Sigh, I need to take the time to see if things will work with him, I hope you can understand that... And if things do go well, I really hope you can understand why I did what I did... I'm eventually even going to tell him what you and I were and try to explain our crazy relationship... I have strong feelings for him, and I'm not going to ignore them till you figure out what you want...